Baseball in Verse, Take 1

In "The Soul of Baseball," we take a few wonderful quotes from Buck O'Neil and turn them into verse. It's not a new trick -- someone did an entire book of Phil Rizutto in verse -- but I think it is something that frankly isn't done enough. So as we approach Opening Day, we may offer a few baseball poems to inspire and get you ready for the season.

Well beat the drum
And hold the phone.
The sun came out today!

We're born again!
There's new grass on the field.
Ah-roundin' third. And headed for home.
It's a brown eyed
handsome
man

Anyone can understand the way I feel.

So put me in coach.
I'm ready to play.
Today.
Put me in coach.
I'm ready to play.
Today.
Look at me.
I can be. Centerfield.

Well I spent some time
in the Mudville nine.
Watchin'
it from the bench. You know I took
some lumps when the
Mighty Casey
struck out.

So say hey
Willie
Tell Ty Cobb
And Joe Dimah
Geo
Dont' say it ain't so
You know the time is now

Yeah. I got it. I got it.

Got a beat-up glove
a homemade bat
and a brand new pair of shoes
You know it's time to give this game a ride.
You got to hit
the ball
And touch
'em all
A moment in the sun
It's gone! And you can tell
that one
goodbye.

So put me in coach.
I'm ready to play.
Today.
Put me in coach.
I'm ready to play.
Today.
Look at me.
I can be. Centerfield.

- John Fogerty

AL East Redux with Seth Mnookin

Maybe this is a universal feeling. Probably not. But I have several good friends who I think are way too cool to hang out with me. They are so cool that, for instance, they don't use comically outdated words like "cool." Seth Mnookin is undoubtedly the coolest person willing to be seen in public with me. He lives in New York, wears all black, swears a lot, has appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, hangs around with people like Sarah Vowell and has written for Spin, Slate and Salon -- the three S's of journalism cool. He's a Harvard grad, his work has appeared in Dave Eggers' Best American Non Required Reading 2002 and The New Yorker, and he started his career as a rock critic.

I'm embarrassed for HIM, when people see us in the same place.

But above all, Seth Mnookin is a huge Red Sox fan. His terrific insider account of the Red Sox, Feeding the Monster, made the New York Times best seller's list and will come out in paperback this year. We've already had Alex Belth preview the American League East, and he was fabulous, but he's a Yankees fan through and through. Here we give the Red Sox equal time. Plus, this way I can tell people again, "I got to exchange emails with Seth Mnookin. He likes me. He really likes me."

First, 1-5, predict the AL East race.

1. Boston
2. New York
3. Toronto
4. Tampa Bay
5. Baltimore

I'm flip-flopping the historic 1-2 and 4-5, only because I don't buy the Braves argument – they've won in the past, ergo, they'll win in the future – and at some point the Sox need to win the damn division. (If they don't, Murray Chass will never truly believe they won the World Series.) And Tampa Bay is, at least, interesting. The Orioles simply suck ass.

Who do you think is the best player in the division?

David Ortiz. There's a good argument to be made that the best player should also play in the field, but that argument doesn't hold up here. Pedro was the best player in the league in the 1999-2000 era, and Papi is now. He's the most fun to watch, he makes his teammates better, he changes the complexion of every game when the Red Sox enter the 8th or 9th down a couple of runs. Someday we'll look back and realize that, over the last four years, we all witnessed something truly incredible.

True of false: Derek Jeter is a lousy defensive shortstop.

True. He's perfected the Nomar move: make an average play look remarkably difficult, thereby drawing oohs and aahs from fans and ignorant broadcasters alike. He's not as bad as some think – he's far from the worst shortstop in baseball – but he's in the lower half.

For your first book, Hard News, you appeared on Bill O'Reilly and on Jon Stewart's show. Which one was more fun?

That's such a gimme. C'mon. Stewart. He'd actually read the book; he wanted to engage on a real level; he repeatedly called (former New York Times editor) Howell Raines a dick on the air. O'Reilly really is more of a kabuki theater experience: you're having a conversation, the red light comes on, and all of a sudden there's lots of yelling and sudden movements. It wouldn't be a good show for an epileptic to do.

Who is the best starting pitcher in the division?

Chien-Ming Wang. (Doesn't it sound crazy to say that?) Nah, just kidding. Right now it's kind of a toss-up. Roy Halladay would be if he stayed healthy. I'm interested in what happens with Daisuke-san, although even in the best of circumstances he's not going to be the best pitcher in the division. Outside of that, who knows? Phillip Hughes could come up and blow everyone away. Scott Kazmir would pull it all together. We could have a Papelbon-esque emergence somewhere. One thing I know: it won't happen in Baltimore. Because Baltimore sucks.

Who is the best closer in the division?

Mariano. He's older, he's slowing down, but he's still the best. This is assuming Papelbon stays in the rotation.

You started out as a rock critic. A friend of mine who works for Warner says Linkin Park will have the No. 1 selling album in America this year. This depressed me. The question: Is there a great rock and roll band left in the world?

Oh, sure. There are a lot. Radiohead's a really great rock band – when I saw them in Madison Square Garden a couple of years ago, I was blown away. Wilco is occasionally a great band. The Arcade Fire is on its way to being a great band. U2 is a great rock band. And there are lots of small and smallish bands that I think are great; it just depends if you're defining the term as someone/something that can blow away 20,000 people at a time.
Remember, too – and I'm saying this only because I hate to see you depressed – there have been lots of awful bands that have had the best selling album of any given year: The Saturday Night Fever, The Bodyguard Soundtrack, albums by REO Speedwagon, Bobby Brown, and Ace of Base.

Editor's note: I can't get into Wilco. And I feel like I'm a traitor to my Generation X or something. I've had dozens of people try to get me to appreciate Wilco. My friend Brian, the Warner Music guy, has given me something like 493 free Wilco discs, others have played Wilco in the car when we've been together and slowly explained to me why Wilco is great. I don't deny Wilco's greatness. I really don't. I just can't get into the music. I know it's me.

Two part question. Do you: a.) Believe in clutch hitting? and b.) Believe that Big Papi is a bonafide clutch hitter?

A. Yes.
B. Yes.
I don't see how there's any way you could have watched baseball for the past half-decade and not believe that Ortiz rises to the occasion; ergo, clutch hitting exists. As Bill James told me in Feeding the Monster (available for just $17.16 from Amazon! Cheap!), just because we don't know how to quantify it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

The Yankees pitching staff features 39-year-old Mike Mussina, 37-year-old Mariano Rivera, and Andy Pettite, who is 498. While the Yankees will still have the youngest pitching staff in New York, does the Yankees staff give you hope?

Hope for the Red Sox? The Yankees also have Phillip Hughes. The Sox have 40-year old Schilling and the Depression-era Wakefield/Timlin duo. Either rotation could end up clicking – Pavano could have a good year (unlikely, but theoretically possible); Wang could replicate '06; Hughes could come up and dominate circa Papelbon '06. And in Boston, Beckett could get electro-shock treatment and cure him of the misconception that he can blow his fastball by AL hitters, Dice-K could gyro his way to a 40-0 record, Papelbon could make the transition to starter and finish the year with a .03 ERA. Or it could all go to shit. Who knows?

True or False: The Red Sox will rue the day they signed J.D. Drew.

True. That day will be on April 1, 2010.

You are one of the few people who have had the good fortune of talking with Stephen Glass, Jayson Blair and James Frey: the Elvis, Chuck Berry and Little Richard of untrue journalism. Give us a scouting report on each:

Actually, I didn't really talk to Frey. (Or I did, but only when I mistook him for someone else at a charity auction. He's short. And really pathetic.) Jayson is, legitimately, a manic loon; Stephen is, legitimately, smart and also seemed to me to be aware of what he'd done, although I found his decision to write a "novel" instead of dealing with the people he'd screwed over a bit odd. Or at least indicative of his not fully accepting the consequences of what happened.

What are your favorite and least favorite Yankees-Red Sox moments?

I'm going to limit this to the last decade. Favorites: the '04 playoffs, the two '04 July games (the brawl and the Jeter-into-the-stands), the '03 playoffs, the '99 Pedro 17-K game in Yankee stadium. Least favorite: the opening series of the '06 regular season (the Sheffield into the right-field stands series) and the final series of the '06 regular season. The first series was just ugly; the final one clearly signaled the jump-the-shark moment of the rivalry. (Incidentally, I was at all of these games/moments save for the Fenway July '04 match and the '03 playoffs.)

Toronto. Do you even take the Blue Jays seriously anymore as a fan?

Well, sure. J.P.'s a smart guy and has the potential to be a really good GM. They've beaten up on the Sox, and they have Roy Halladay. I didn't get their pitching signings last off-season, although with the Meche's of the world getting $300 mil a year, the BJ/Burnett deals do look pretty good.

You graduated from Harvard with a degree in the history of science. What is that? What in the heck did you think you were going to do with that? And how in the heck did you use that to write your terrific insider Red Sox book?

It's a major I fell into after I'd signed up for at least four or five others: History of Literature; English; Anthropology; Philosophy. And History of Science is (or was) the closest you could come to a kind of classic liberal arts education: I got to take sciences and history and philosophy and it all counted. But it didn't help much with the Sox book. Or anything I've done professionally. One day, I'll use my thesis – on 19th-century, epileptic axe murderers – in some way. I'm determined.

Baltimore. Tampa Bay. Any interesting thoughts on these poor shlubs?

Tampa Bay: It's criminal that a team can be paid more in revenue sharing than they spend on player payroll. Lucchino once told me they were likely spending money on other things, like player development. Fine. But good god, man, shouldn't there be some kind of stipulation that teams use the money they get to sign players that might make the team at least semi-competitive?
Baltimore: The Orioles traded for Kris Benson. They deserve whatever they get.

Many people have said that the Red Sox are the new Yankees ... they just go out and spend money and buy players. Does this in any way cut into your enjoyment?

Actually, yes. If I was the god of all things baseball, I'd have a salary floor and a salary ceiling. It'd make the game more interesting.

Matsuzaka. You buying the hype?

If you bought the hype, you'd be saying he's a combination of Cy Young, Sandy Koufax, and Pedro … except better. So no. But, I think he's an incredibly good pitcher with the potential to be great.

What is the best baseball movie?

"Air Bud." Or "Baseketball."

Slate or Salon ... which is cooler?

I have more of a history with Salon, but these days I write more for Slate. Which is my way of saying I'm gonna wuss out on this one.

You traveled around New England selling your book. What was the most fun thing you did during your Red Sox-Yankees book promotion?

Lobster rolls in Maine. Duh.

I asked Alex Belth if that thing Yankee fans do -- where they call out each player's name until recognized -- is cool or unbearably obnoxious. What do you think?

It's not so much obnoxious as stupid and childish. It's what a three-year-old would do if he were trying to get his dad's attention while he was at work.

True or false: Curt Schilling will be in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Tough call. I'd vote for him. He's the best postseason pitcher of his generation, and arguably the best postseason pitcher ever. That counts for at least as much as having the good fortune to be part of a double-play combination that was made into a catchy ditty. His ERA+ was pretty much always above 120, his WHIP was below 1.2 for six straight years, and he has more than 200 wins and 3,000 Ks. He was killed by those years in Philly, though, and too many of the writers who vote on the HOF (Hi, Murray!) are boobs who seem to be proud of their ignorance.

Thanks! You've been great! Don't forget to tip your waitress!

The AL West with Rob Neyer

There are people in this world who speak and write so authoritatively, that I find myself always agreeing with them even when I know they are wrong. Rob Neyer is one of those people. Rob could write a column about how earthworms are going to take over the world, throw out a few stats, and by the end I would be thinking: Wow, I better start sucking up to some earthworms.

You know Rob from his excellent ESPN columns and from his fine books on baseball blunders, baseball lineups, baseball dynasties, and baseball pitchers (with our co-hero Bill James). In addition, he and Rany Jazayerli do a terrific periodic chat about the state of the Kansas City Royals, which never fails to both enlighten and depress the hell out of me. Rob and his wife, Kristien, live in Portland, which he believes would be a great Major League baseball market, and according to his Wikipedia entry, he went to high school with one of the guys who plays a caveman on the Geico commericals. I'm told that Rob also finished Robert Caro's "The Power Broker" so that means the three living people who did that (not including Robert Caro, who I believe stalled out at Page 1,298) have been a part of Baseball Preview with the Stars.

Rob also recently set an ESPN record for longest online chat, an achievement I rate slightly below Bob Beamon's 1968 long jump, but above Barry Bonds' home run chase.


First, 1-4, predict the AL West.

Honestly, I haven't gotten far enough yet in my preseason analysis to do this with any sort of confidence. But my gut tells me the Rangers are going to surprise us (in a good way) and the A's are going to surprise us (in a bad way), so I'll order them:
1. Rangers
2. Angels
3. Athletics
4. Mariners.

How about their only being four teams in this division. That's not really fair, is it?

Well, no. But it's been a long time since the major leagues were fair. Not since 1902, I think.

Who do you think is the best everyday player in the division?

It's not a good division for everyday players, but I think the answer probably is Michael Young, pushed this season by his teammate, Mark Teixeira. Which is a pretty good argument for the Rangers doing well this season. If, of course, they can find two or three good starting pitchers.

True or false: Joe Morgan really does believe that Billy Beane wrote Moneyball.

I haven't asked him, and one would think somebody he trusts has set him straight at some point in the last three years. But I've not yet heard him mention the name Michael Lewis. So your guess is as good as mine.

Have you gotten used to saying Los Angeles Angels yet? I'm still calling them the California Angels, and that's been outdates for more than 10 years. They've had more names than Prince.

I actually call them the Orange County Angels whenever my editors let me get away with it. It's more accurate than Los Angeles, obviously, and if the owner doesn't care about literal truth then why should I? It's weird, though, I really haven't called them the California Angels in more serious moments, though for years when the Raiders were in Los Angeles I continued to say Oakland, and to this day I'll sometimes refer to the Los Angeles Rams. I think it's easy for me to remember these new Angels because they actually began life as the Los Angeles Angels, and I've spent a fair amount of time researching those early years for one of my books.

Who is the best starting pitcher in the division?

Rich Harden, in the unlikely event that he's healthy for more than six straight weeks. But my money's on Felix Hernandez, who has a pretty good chance to establish himself this season as the second-best pitcher in the American League (and thus the world).

True or false: Barry Zito will have a better year than any pitcher in the West.

Based purely on ERA? Sure, thanks to his new league and his new ballpark his numbers might look impressive at the end of the season. But there are at least six guys in the division I'd take before Zito.

Who is the best closer in the division?

Every team has a good one. The Rangers have two good ones. But you have to take Francisco Rodriguez, who's one of the two or three best in the game.

You began your career working with Bill James and you wrote a touching essay about him in the book, "How Bill James Changed Our View on the Game of Baseball" (wonderful book, long title). What are you doing now if you didn't get the job with Bill?

If somebody let me back into college, I probably would have become an intolerant high-school history teacher. If not, I would have tried to make my living convincing publishers that some book titles just don't work real well.

Who wins the argument: Bill James or Bill Clinton?

You know that old advice to lawyers? "If you can't argue the facts, argue the law. If you can't argue the law, argue the facts. If you can't argue either, pound on the table." James would start out with the facts and maybe the law and he'd be doing well, but Clinton would pound the hell out of that table.

How good is that Anaheim rotation?

It's good. I don't see any obvious Cy Young candidates, and there's some legitimate concern about Jered Weaver. But nobody in the division is close, top to bottom.

Well, more importantly, how will Anaheim score any runs? And if you were a pitcher, why would you throw a single strike all year to Vladimir Guerrero (not that throwng strikes matters to Vlady)?

It's a great baseball conundrum that anybody ever throws a strike to hitters like Guerrero and Robinson Cano and Alfonso Soriano. But clearly it's not nearly as easy to pitch to those guys as their walk columns might suggest. As for Guerrero's teammates, you're right: it's hard to see them scoring often, as only Guerrero and young Howie Kendrick seem like good bets to be better than average.

True or false: Texas had to fire Buck Showalter.

I'm a big Showalter fan, but he was there for four seasons and they never finished higher than third, and at some point you have to let the results dictate these things. I think Showalter will be in the game for a long time, and he'll be associated with a lot of good organizations; right now he's working for your Indians. But maybe he's just not managerial timber at this point in his life.

Is this the year your Kansas Jayhawks win it all in the NCAA Tournament or, even more significantly, get out of the first round?

This is Bill Self's best team, and his first No. 1 seed. As you know, though many strange things have happened in the NCAA tournament, a No. 1 seed has never lost to a No. 16, and KU won't be the first. I certainly won't predict a championship, because you simply can't win without some luck in the close games (nearly every champion plays at least two close games). I will say this: the Jayhawks are one of the four best teams in the country. And if they all come back next year...

Not to rehash this, but let's rehash. You and I both think the American League MVP voting last year was messed up. If you could choose one reason, why did Justin Morneau win?

Simple: he piled up a lot of RBIs for a playoff team, and he also played well when the Twins played well. The voters prefer things to be simple like that.

Ron Washington now manages Texas. Let me ask you this: Could the old Royals Baseball Academy (Ron Washington's alma-mater) work today?

Sure. They're all over the place in the Dominican Republic and Venezuela, right? I mean, the popular image of the Royals Academy is that they were taking raw athletes and turning them into baseball players, right? But Frank White played baseball before he went to the Academy, and I'm guessing Washington did, too. Anyway, if you really wanted to do it, you'd have to do it like they do in China, and take the kids when they're actually kids, seven or eight years old. Then you'd have yourself some ballplayers, boy.

What is your favorite baseball blunder?

As a Royals fan, my favorite baseball blunder is the Mets trading Amos Otis to the Royals for Joe Foy.

Seattle. Jeff Weaver. Explain.

Bavasi's. Days. Numbered.

What is it like to do a six-hour ESPN chat?

It's funny. The previous ESPN.com record was five hours and three minutes. Typically my chats go for an hour, maybe a bit longer. And this time after the first hour, I was a little fatigued, both mind- and fingers-wise. But I got a second wind, and the second wind lasted for about five hours. I could have gone way past six hours and thirty-seven minutes -- the final count -- but wanted to leave room for challengers to the title. And it was a lot of fun, seeing all those questions and answers pile up over the course of the morning and afternoon.

True or false: Players on the West coast are underrated.

True, though it's certainly hard to argue that Ichiro's underrated, or Barry Zito. But so much these days is driven by highlights, and so many of the West players' highlights come after bedtime in the East, that a lot of these guys just aren't seen. That's changing, obviously, with the ready availability of highlights via MLB's website.

Can't spell Spring Training without R-P-I

One of the odd, but fun parts of being a sports columnist is that your daily life is entirely scheduled by other people. I sometimes am asked, “Do you get to choose your own assignments?” And my answer is, “Why, yes. Yes, I do.” But, of course, that’s a lie. Well, first of all, I would never use the phrase, “Why, yes.” I’m not a character from “Alice in Wonderland.”

Second, while it’s true that I get to choose what columns I write, my schedule is determined by the sports fates. Sunday, the NCAA Tournament committee decided to leave the Kansas State basketball team at home. The unintended consequence of this was to free me from Buffalo or Spokane or wherever the heck the Kansas State basketball team would have been consigned and send me instead to Surprise for Royals spring training. Or maybe it was an intended consequence, I don’t know. Maybe those committee members in the room, instead of discussing teams RPIs and strength of schedules and whatever else, actually said: “Hey, let's snub Kansas State. That way that Kansas City columnist will go to spring training early and be forced to find something new to say about Odalis Perez and Angel Berroa. That could be amusing.”

Of course, I don’t really believe that’s what they said. I believe what they said was: “How can we arrange this tournament so it helps Duke?”

Anyway, we will have another “Baseball Preview with the Stars” up this afternoon -- big star coming up -- and at least two more over the next two days. Then the blog will go live from Surprise, Arizona.

In the meantime, if you are in the Kansas City area – or if you have all sorts of frequent flier miles you want to get rid of – we will have a "Soul of Baseball" book signing and presentation Tuesday evening at The Kansas City Store in Prairie Village (6951 Tomahawk).

The AL Central with Michael Rosenberg

If you are lucky in this life, you will meet a friend who is basically, well, you ... oh, wait a minute, I've already used that intro for Mike Vaccaro. Well, anyway, I'm also fond of our next Baseball Preview Star, Michael Rosenberg, a brilliant columnist for The Detroit Free Press and author of an upcoming book on the fascinating relationship between Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler (that book won't be coming out for more than a year, so there's really no place to buy it yet. That's why if you click on that "upcoming book" link, you will conveniently be transferred to the Amazon page of my book, "The Soul of Baseball." Buy several for family and friends!)

Michael grew up in New York and has worked for several very large and impressive papers, but it hasn't gone to his head, or at least that's what his agent told me. Michael's one of my favorite sportswriters in America because it's obvious -- both in his writing and his disposition -- how much he loves sports. You would be surprised by how many sportswriters don't seem to like sports. OK, maybe you wouldn't be surprised.

The sad thing is that for a long time, Michael and I were even in baseball terms. We both wrote about horrendous teams. We both dealt with affable and utterly inept managers who were once excellent players. We both had done hard Lima Time. Then, last year the Tigers went to the World Series, placing Michael up there with newspaper legends like Dave Anderson and Jim Murray and Red Smith. Men who, yes, won Pulitzer Prizes (Michael hasn't won one of those yet). But more importantly, men who wrote about successful baseball teams. Meanwhile, I kept writing about Angel Berroa. Life's not always fair.

I asked most of these questions. But Michael slipped in a few self-questions. He's like that.

First, 1-5, rank the teams in the AL Central.

1. Detroit. A year later, I still can't believe I am writing that. But the Tigers are the only contender that got indisputably better on paper in the off-season.
2. Chicago. I think they made a mistake trading Garcia, but still plenty of talent there.
3. Cleveland. Should have been better last year, plenty of talent. They don't mean to offend Native Americans, blah, blah, blah. Show me something.
4. Minnesota. I do not like the rotation after Santana. At all.
5. Kansas City. Because there is no sixth place.

Who is the best player in the division?

The most valuable player to any team in the division is Johan Santana. I know he doesn't play every day, but so what? Put it this way: if you could start a team for one season with one player from the Central, wouldn't you pick him? Or put it another way: if you could remove one player from any team and automatically eliminate that team, it would have to be Santana, right?

Who do you think is the best everyday player in the division?

Ah, we go from "best player" to "best everyday player." Almost like you knew I would go with Santana in the first answer and wouldn't let me off that easily. Fine then. You play your sneaky little games.
The division's best hitter is Travis Hafner, but since he spends most of a game sitting on his butt, I can't pick him on principle. (I would consider him for MVP, but not for the more prestigious honor of "best everyday player in the division according to The Soul of Baseball blog.") The AL MVP was Justin Morneau. But if I had to choose one guy, I would go with Morneau's teammate, Joe Mauer. Mauer had a .429 OBP last year, had 53 extra base hits, runs the bases well and -- I can't emphasize this enough -- he is a catcher. And he is not yet 24! If Morneau gets hurt, the Twins could find a serviceable first baseman with some pop, but how could they replace Mauer?

True or false: The Tigers pitchers will spend six hours every day of spring training practicing their fielding.

Can I let you in on a little secret? The fielding errors were NOT the reason the Tigers lost the World Series. Even with the errors, which were ill-timed from a baseball perspective -- though well-timed from a comedic perspective -- the Cardinals still only scored 22 runs in five games. The Tigers' problem was that they couldn't hit. The team hit .199 in the series with a .581 OPS, and if I may use an antiquated baseball stat known as "runs," they only scored 11 in five games.

Who do you think is the second-best starting pitcher in the division?

Hmmm. Last year it was Francisco Liriano, but I don't like his chances this year, since he is waiting for his arm to be re-attached to his body. I'm going with Jeremy Bonderman. This is mostly a projection -- he needs to find a really good, consistent off-speed pitch, but he says he is close. If Bonderman can consistently throw a changeup for strikes, he will win the Cy Young award someday. Of course, I have been projecting greatness for him since he was a fetus, and it hasn't quite happened yet. But what if I give up on him and THEN he wins the Cy Young? Wouldn't that just destroy my soul? This, by the way, is the same reason some people pick the Kansas Jayhawks to win the national title every year -- one year they actually will, and nobody wants to get off the bandwagon one exit early. I was one of those people before I upped my medication. Anyway, Bonderman is my choice, but only because Runelvys Hernandez is no longer in the division.

True or false: While writing a column during the World Series last year, FOX Sports noticed a smudge on your typing hand?

True. But that is only because I was changing the oil on Michael Waltrip's car.

Who is the best closer in the division?

Joe Nathan. I have nothing else to add. He just is.

Who is the best manager in the division?

Buddy Bell. Nobody can shave five losses off a 110-loss team like that guy. Oh, you mean seriously? You'd have to go with Jim Leyland, wouldn't you? I think he let his daughter bat third one day last year and she went 3 for 4. Ron Gardenhire would be a close second, followed by Ozzie Guillen. But if I had to pick one guy to choose an All-Star pitching staff, it would be Ozzie.

At what point last year, do you think everyone in Detroit decided: "Oh my God, this Tigers team really is good."

I suspect there was a moment, years ago, when Lyle Lovett said, "This is clearly Julia Roberts, and she is in bed with me, and highly naked, and does not seem in any rush to leave. 'Does this mean she kind of likes me?'" Last year was like that for Tigers fans.

You grew up in New York. So what's your baseball fan history?

Meet the Mets, Meet the Mets ... come to the ballpark and greet the Mets! Someday, whether you like it or not, I will remind you that: a.) Game 6 of the 1986 World Series was tied when Mookie Wilson hit that ground ball, so it's not like the Red Sox would have definitely won if Buckner makes the play, and b.) even if Buckner had caught the ball, Wilson very well might have beaten him to first anyway. Plus the only reason the Mets lost Games 1 and 2 is that they had to spend way too much time and energy beating the Houston Astros and their evil cheating pitching staff in the NLCS. So really, the Red Sox were lucky the Mets didn't win in five. That's been my story for 21 years, and I'm sticking to it.

We love Bruce Springsteen. But is he a real baseball fan? And how could he have used "Speedball" in "Glory Days?"

We have now reached the point in the Q and A where Joe realizes that I am inserting questions he actually asked other people, just so I can answer them. Hey, I love Springsteen too. I have always thought he knew "speedball" was not something real baseball fans say, but he wanted to avoid a cliche, and he wasn't all that worried about the blog discussions 23 years later. Unlike Bill Horton, Bruce Springsteen is not a cautious man.

Everybody seems down on Minnesota this year, in large part because nobody seems quite sure how they won the division last year. Are you among those who believe the Twins are going down and going down hard?

I think I know how they won the division last year: they had a few great players, the best pitcher in baseball and another guy who was actually better than the best pitcher in baseball for half the year. I have great respect for the Twins organization. Terry Ryan and Ron Gardenhire might be the best GM-manager tandem in baseball, ahead of Billy Beane and his brother-in-law, or whoever is managing the A's these days. But without Liriano and Brad Radke for the entire season, I just don't see how they can contend. And if Santana slips even a little, then forget it.

You are writing a book on Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler. Are you going to be the first writer to courageously point out that Clemson's Charlie Bauman DESERVED to be punched by Woody?

Finally, a relevant question. You know, a lot of Woody's old players actually argue that Bauman was taunting Woody by waving the ball at him. Bauman has denied it. It's hard to tell on the tape -- Bauman was sort of waving the ball, but it is possible he had severe underarm itch and he was just trying to get rid of it. Nonetheless, it is hard to argue that the proper punishment for a player who taunts is a punch from the opposing coach, even though college football would be far more interesting if they passed that rule.
Anyway, since you have given me an opening to shill for my book, I will say that I hope it will help readers understand Woody and why he might have thrown that punch when they get to that section of the book. As we might say these days, Woody was not in a good place at that point in his life. And I don't just mean Jacksonville.

You can only have one: Justin Verlander or Jered Weaver?

I'll take Verlander. Both are great, and neither lacks confidence, but Weaver strikes me as the kind of guy who rubs his teammates the wrong way and always wants a new contract and could end up pitching for eight different teams. Then again, I could be wrong.

The White Sox now have Darren Erstad, Rob Mackowiak and Scott Podsednik. That's a lot of scrappiness. There's no question here, really. Just wanted to point out the scrappiness quotient of the White Sox.

Can you imagine if they had asked for Aaron Rowand in the Garcia deal? They would be running into the outfield wall during batting practice.


In addition to your brilliant sports column, you also write a humor column that, best I can tell, is about 219 words long. How hard is it to be funny in that little space (people often marvel at how short the Gettysburg Address was, but let's be blunt: It was not funny.)?

As I prove with every column, it is virtually impossible. You know, the strange thing about the Gettysburg Address is that it is short, but still wordy. Apparently even Lincoln had lousy editors. My understanding is that Lincoln had more written, but he had to go use the can, which was pretty far away (thanks to the famous 1863 port-a-potty factory strike), so he cut the speech short. I don't know why Doris Kearns Goodwin has never written about this. Come on, Doris. Turn off the Red Sox game and give the people what they want.

Do you have anything you want to say about the Cleveland Indians?

Only that when a team desperately needs a closer, and forks over $5 million for a free agent, and that guy retires before spring training, that can't be good.

Don't you think it's pretty nifty that the Indians are going to be playing in the Civil Rights game in Memphis?

Is Chief Illiniwek singing the national anthem? I hear he's available.

True or false: Gary Sheffield.

Today: true. Tomorrow: false. The day after: "What's your problem, man? Why don't you like a dude who speaks the truth?" Sheffield is nutty, but he makes the Tigers better.

You have the cutest little daughter north of my house. What is you want her to know about baseball?

I would like her to understand implicitly that the second baseman does not actually stand on second base. I cannot handle 14 straight months of Audrey asking me why the second baseman is not standing on second base. I don't even know how to explain it. It's like if somebody looks at your laptop for the first time and asks, "How come you go to 'Start' to shut down?" Some questions have no answer.

OK, this is your chance to suck up to the Kansas City Royals fans who read this blog. Go ahead. Give them some reason to believe.

It is a historical fact that a single meteor has never wiped out Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland and Minneapolis in one shot, which means we are due. Actually, I think there is hope for the Royals -- not this year, certainly, but down the road. A lot of owners make a total mess of their organizations for a few years before hiring somebody good and backing off. Maybe David Glass is one of those guys. Every other team in this division was trapped in "they will never win" mode at some point in the last 20 years, and every other team has won.

Mike Vaccaro and I have invented (or at least borrowed) the concept of the HAYAROW -- "Hollywood Actor/Actress You Are Allowed to Run Off With. Who would be yours? And who would be your wife, Erin's?

This is so embarrasing, but Erin has a thing for Adrien Brody. I don't get it. To me, his nose looks like it should have Alberto Tomba on it. But I guess that is her HAYAROW. As for me, there are so many possibilities here, but I'm going to step outside of the actor/actress box and go with Norah Jones. I know -- not somebody you find on the cover of Maxim, and not exactly the most cutting-edge artist on the planet. (My favorite band is Wilco, so I am not a total square.) But really: who else would you rather hear singing in the shower? Erin is aware of my Norah Jones crush. She is amused.

Curtis Granderson. How good a guy is he anyway?

In the words of Kenny Bania: The best, Jerry, the best!